husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.