Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
What if the weather talks about us?