Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Breaking news:
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.