Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
this makes me so uncomfortable
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.