I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You Might Also Like
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.