TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Worst perfume name ever.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.