Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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scares
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I love it all
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.