MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.