Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.