*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
You Might Also Like
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy