food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Time heals everything 🙂
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Perfect.
We have a winner.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath