*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
181.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.