**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
be careful
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*