When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks