People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.