It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Think I pulled my liver
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.