Mad Max Arctic Road
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I really had high hopes for this year though
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do