At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.