Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.