How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”