me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.