The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok