Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I have a new favorite meme page
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.