They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My flabber has been gasted.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
WWE is French for “yes”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.