“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.