I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
You Might Also Like
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two