Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
This hospital has everything
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend