I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.