Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget