The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
You Might Also Like
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Cat is stressing him out.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.