Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You Might Also Like
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Liquor Store Parking
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
twitter users today:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.