Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
North and South
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.