Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.