Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.