[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs