Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I feel seen
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My apathy is at an all time whatever.