My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*