Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists