Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
giddy up Office Depot
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.