“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Truth
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?