Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?