Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*bites zombie*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
choose your gary
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.