you have three unread messages
You Might Also Like
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The little toadstool has spoken.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.