My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
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Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Living the best life.. 😊
welcome back
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky