The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.