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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that