My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The photographer’s assistant
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Sign at work today
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.