My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
LA today:
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”