We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.