Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Can’t, holding a grudge
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
wut hotdog?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.